Trading Yesterday

So I'm sitting in something of a coffee shop, looking out at the world from my seat.  It's so rainy and miserable, which isn't too far from my mood.  And it's not only raining, but legitimately pouring.  I have songs by Trading Yesterday on repeat and unfortunately I have the same feeling of sadness that I hear from them. I don't know when I started being such a miserable person, but I can tell you it surely wasn't recent.  Trying to keep up with my work and also striving for something of a scrap of a social life is taking its toll on me.  I would do anything to go back to high school at this point, at least then I wasn't always so alone, locked away in my room hoping someone would just reach out to me.  I can't stand looking at large groups of friends laughing and smiling all the time while I try my best to get around them without being noticed that I'm all by myself.  I find its almost better to be completely invisible at times like these.  Most of the time I even wonder why I even write down anything I'm feeling.  No one is going to read it and surely no one is going to care.  My life is a lonely one, a very lonely one indeed.  Since I'm so shy, theres really nothing I can do about it, just sit back and watch life go by with everyone else smiling around me.  I mean, after I get past the bitterness that I find myself drowning in, I'm surprisingly happy for all of those that have friends and the ability to laugh so freely.  I just wish I could be one of them, but I guess without people like myself, no one would be able to decipher happiness and loneliness.  I really just don't know what to do anymore.  I guess I've just taken to watching everyone else have fun, though again, I would do anything to go back to high school and trade today for yesterday.  One of these days I'm going to write a well written blog, thought out and interesting.  For now I just need to vent and this is the only place I can go to.

Rayne

No Sunlight

I guess this is just going to be another quick post.  I'm literally trapped in my room most of the time, with focusing on studying or feeling nauseous for unexplained reasons (probably my messed up sleep schedule and lack of amount of meals per day).  It's pretty bad.  But anywho, I find myself locked in my own body and world, unable to really escape all of the things that are chaining me down.  My anxiety alone prevents me from functioning like a normal person; I can't do anything outside of my comfort zone with having a possible anxiety attack...watching horror movies or even action movies have started to cause them, it's getting that pathetic.  Unfortunately, since I'm on a college campus with limited access to anyone who could help me, I'm stuck dealing with it on my own.  I miss the sound state of mind that I had last year.  Granted, I was stuck in a state of depression for a solid 4 months, but at least I wasn't afraid of dying at any point during the day.  It's the biggest obstacle I've ever had to deal with, though I'm grateful it's not anything more severe...though one never knows (I'm also a huge hypochondriac).  Like an iris in winter, I'm trying to endure the cold of this world along with my own personal problems and live the best life I can, though at the moment I'm doing a terrible job by holing myself up in my room.  It truly hurts me to know that I'm restricted by my own terrible thoughts and over exaggerations.

Well, looks like it's almost five.  Thank god I dont have to get up until 12:30 or so. I'll write again when I have more time.

Rayne

Existence and Purpose (sounds so interesting haha....)

I honestly don't know what to do at this point.  Have you ever been at a fork in the road where both life choices lead to misery?  One may be the road to self respect while hurting someone you care deeply for, while the other is the road to immediate happiness with possible repercussions in the future and a definite sad ending.  Both will somehow lead to misery and it's your choice which is less so.  A little about me; I'm terrible when it comes to making a choice, especially a serious life choice.  Whatever choice I make in life usually ends up being the wrong one and I'm tired of being the cause of it.

This blog is where I may very well end up talking to myself to try and figure out my problems.  In other words, a diary.  So original, I know.  But I guess that's what these are here for, sharing thoughts and opinions with anyone who might be interested in them.  Frankly, I'm tired of having all of these thoughts in my head with no one to talk about them with.  I'm not one to bother people with my problems unless they comment on them first, so I'm leaving it up to internet users who might be interested in reading about some pathetic college girl's depressing thoughts and stories to decide if they care or not to follow/respond.

Now that I've gotten the "about this blog" section out of the way, I figured I would begin with a couple of my feelings of the day...however it's 4:30 AM on a Wednesday and I have class so I guess I should sign off for now.

-Rayne